The major problem in this essay, and in most of my timed essays, is a lack of organization. This, obviously, leaves the reader feeling confused. To better organize the paper, I added topic sentences to each paragraph and clarified and compacted the thesis statement. In future essays, I will try to always includes topic sentences and make sure that each point made in the paragraph relates to the topioc sentence.
Another problem I noticed in this essay that could lead to confusion was undefined pronouns or other summary nouns. For example, in the revised essay I defined the “audience” and “cause” in the introduction. I also highlighted the words “bonds” and chains” so it was clear which words I was reffering to. Since I wrote this essay so long ago, this revision has taught me to look at the paper from an outsiders’s point of view, which in the future will allow me to increase the clarity of my essays.
